As the sun peeked over the horizon on the morning of the Zombie Battle Royale the combatants readied themselves for battle...
General Ann called out to the troops: "Sheena! Is Bailey ready?" Sheena nodded; Bailey hissed.
"Lanae, fill your purse with some stones to make heavier!"
"Donna and Kristina, be ready to set fire to the sofa on my command then position yourselves behind it with your store of dirty dishes to throw at the Zombies!"
"Julia, Jackie, Yvonne! Remove the guards from your fans! You'll follow directly behind me!"
"John! See if you can sharpen that letter opener on that rock over there!"
"Elaine, test your stapler for firing capabilities!"
"Daphne!" Daphne, wearing her comfy shoes and singing "It's a Small World" to her hand- painted smiley-faced piggy bank, failed to notice General Ann calling out her name. "Daaaaphneeee!" General Ann screamed. "Pay attention!" Daphne jerked to attention. "You have a very important job here! You have to stand to the side while singing happy songs, smiling and waving your piggy bank at the Zombies so as to revolt them with sickening sweetness!" General Ann said.
"Renee...Molly..." General Ann shook her head sadly, "Go behind the sofa and give Sophie some of that milk." "Just stay back there and play Scrabble or something..."
The sun had now risen fully above the horizon and the Zombie hoard could be seen marching steadily toward our valiant band of warriors, while making disgusting groaning noises and occasionally stopping to pick up a fallen hand or re-attach with duct tape a leg that had come off. Grim determination showed on the faces of our soldiers (except for Daphne, who had gone back to singing to her pig and Renee and Molly who were brushing Sophie and playing Scrabble).
As the Zombie hoard came within fighting distance, General Ann shouted: "Now!" Sheena, holding a flailing and hissing Bailey ran to the forefront and flung the angry senior citicat at the advancing Zombies! Horrible (and disgusting) Zombie screams of pain filled the air as Bailey viciously clawed and bit at the Zombies while Sheena cheered her on!
Then General Ann shook up her diet coke bottle and lead the charge on the disoriented (and disgusting) Zombies, spraying fizzy and blinding diet coke in their eyes... The fan brigade, Julia, Jackie and Yvonne followed behind General Ann, wielding their lethal fans with devastating affect! Zombie parts flew everywhere (and were generally disgusting) as the fans chopped and minced the undead hoard faster than they could duct tape themselves back together.
Lanae, swinging her rock-laden purse before her followed on the heels of the fan brigade with Elaine at her side. Each swing of the purse neatly took off the head of an advancing Zombie! Elaine, finding her stapler to be rather poor at firing staples, took to stapling Zombie lips together so that they couldn't make as much disgusting groaning noise.
John screamed like a girl and with his eyes tightly shut, flung his letter-opener at the Zombies. (Editor's Note: Sorry John, you're the only guy on our team so I have to pick on you).
Meanwhile, Donna and Kristina set fire to the sofa, ran behind it and began strategically throwing dirty dishes at those Zombies who had managed to get past the hissing, scratching, biting Bailey, General Ann's blinding fizzy diet coke, the fan brigade, and Lanae with her purse and Elaine with her stapler. Although some of the still advancing Zombies, to Elaine's credit, did have their lips stapled together and so were making fewer disgusting groaning noises.
Off to the side, Daphne stood, in her comfy shoes, and sang "It's a Small World" while smiling inanely at the zombies and waving her hand-painted smiling piggy bank at them. Her's might, indeed, have been the most effective weapon, as the Zombies who caught sight of her would cover their ears and run away screaming, as fast as their rotting legs could carry them!
As the battle raged on, the combatants from time to time would hear Molly squeal: "I love it when Scrabble accepts my made-up words!" Followed, always, by an approving bark from Sophie and a grumble from Renee about needing a better dictionary.
When the dust settled, disgusting Zombie parts littered the field of battle and our valiant warriors stood, weary, covered in soot from the burning sofa but united and victorious. Bailey marched proudly back, tail aloft, swatted Sophie (because Bailey didn't know that Sophie is a sweet doggie who loves kitties) and stole the rest of Renee's milk. And Yvonne shouted at Daphne: "If you don't stop that incessant singing I'm going to whack you with this Zombie arm!"
Good (and handy household objects) had triumphed over evil once again.