Yesterday I was sure it was the right thing to do. Today I feel like a murderer. She forgave me for all the times I hurt or disappointed her in her life. I hope she has forgiven me for this. I hope she understood I just wanted to stop her feeling miserable and I didn't know any other way to stop it.
I miss my little girl so much. I am always the first to tell my cat loving friends to get another cat after they have had to say goodbye to one of theirs. But I don't know if I will. I've had to say goodbye to three beloved cats and four dear dogs in my adult life. My heart is tired.
I question my fitness as a cat parent. There were a lot of things I did wrong; a lot of things I didn't do enough of. Yes, I loved them with all my heart but I don't think that is enough. Sure, they had better lives than barn cats or alley cats and at least they had lives instead of being put to death at a "shelter" but that's not saying much, is it?
I worry about my surviving cat; my boy. The girl whose life I had ended yesterday was his litter mate. He's never lived without her.
Yesterday I dug the hole in which I buried my girl. It was probably over a hundred degrees here and digging a two foot deep hole was very hard. I sweated a lot and my heart was pounding. I had to take several breaks. Today I am very sore. Clearly I was bent on punishing myself. That was stupid.
What cat or dog owner has not cried: "Why do their lives have to be so short?" It is so painful to say goodbye to them because they are such dear souls who want nothing more than to love and be loved. I've always thought though that it is better that their lives are designed to be shorter than ours because if our precious pets survived us then what would happen to them? I know of a couple of very lucky cats who got wonderful homes after their owners passed away. But what happens to most of them? That is why I don't want to get a kitten... a kitten might outlive me. But then I realize that is stupid because I could die tomorrow in an accident so the age of the cat doesn't matter. What would be important would be to make firm plans for a good home for them in the event of my death.
I miss my girl. I'll never get to stroke her soft as a bunny rabbit fur again. I'll never again get to hear her yelling at me that she wants on my lap (oh God how I wish I had not rebuffed her on the last night that she did that... I didn't know...).
I hope I did the right thing.
Oh, and if anyone out there in cyberspace reads this and thinks "Geez, it was just a cat!" Go to hell.